The original post you will read below was written about a toxic dad and how you are brave if you walked away from the relationship. I didn't have a toxic dad. I do however have a toxic mom. Who wasn't always this way. I mean when I was younger she was an OK mom. She was still shady and lied to my dad a lot, but when I was little she kept me alive so, that's something. When I reached 12 I can't pinpoint exactly what made her change from being an OK mom to being a nightmare mom. But she would pick fights with me, I couldn't EVER have a normal relationship with friends. Whether they were girls or boys. She just had a distrust in me as soon as I hit 6th grade. (and yes you are probably thinking...o you were just a hormonal teenager. No. No I wasn't. Shit literally hit the fan with her and I when I turned 12) At 38 I still struggle with wrapping my mind around what is wrong with her. Fast forward to 2000 when my dad passed away. I figured she would have been this strong mom who would be there for me and my little sister. I mean, I get that she lost her husband of 21 years, but we lost our dad. We were all in this together. Or so I thought. I was already married at the time of my dads death (first marriage at 18 ended in 2006) and she literally treated me like this didn't affect me "cause I was grown and married". I don't care how old you are, when you lose a parent it affects you! You still need your parents at 4 years old, 21, 45, 60. I still need my dad. O my life has changed and I have so much to tell him. He would love my husband now! He would have been a GREAT grandpa to my son.
After my dads death my mom and I went our separate ways. We didn't speak for 7 years. I met my now husband, we got pregnant. I thought after 7 years she would have changed. So I picked up a relationship with her that went on for 6 years. I was pregnant at 29 years old with my first son. He was a planned pregnancy. I had some issues getting pregnant. It was scary. I had doubts I wouldn't get to be a mom. So it was stressful. She treated me like I was a 15 year old that got pregnant and was ruining my life. Made it out to be that having kids was going to ruin my life. I was 29!
So I have my son. He's 8 now. Healthy kid. Loves life. I love being his mom. Could NOT imagine my life without him. Everyone that has met him loves the tar out of that boy.
My mom met a man in 2010. She turned her life long friends away over this man. Turned her back, AGAIN, on her daughters. She became an alcoholic after my dads death, although we are learning over the years she was a closet drinker when he was alive. So this wasn't something new. Her new relationship came after another death of her 3rd husband, whom she married 5 months after my dad passed. Basically leaving my sister (who was a senior in high school at the time) home alone and to fend for herself. My sister and I tried to intervene in 2013 by meeting with her at a public, neutral place to talk to her about her drinking and the effects it was having on our relationship and our families. I couldn't rely on her if mine and my husbands schedule kept us at work longer to pick up our kids from school or the sitters cause she would start drinking at 10am. Or she didn't want to tell the boyfriend she had to help her daughters out. We planned an intervention of sorts and wanted to help her. Her health then was going down hill. We wanted to see her do good in life. We wanted a mom. My sister had just found out she was pregnant so she was wanting grandma for her son. We wanted some kind of normalcy. We didn't set out to attack her. We spent about a month researching how to approach an addict or alcoholic family member to offer help. She became defensive and wouldn't listen to a word we had to say. Had no emotions as to how this was affecting her kids and their families. So she walked out of the coffee shop and my sister and I talked. Not out of anger, but I simply said I was done. I no longer had room for her in my life. My plate was full and I had no room for the toxic BS she brought to the table. I had to walk away from a parent/daughter relationship and it was then I realized I am WAY stronger than I thought I was. My son was barely 4 at that time. My sister was pregnant. So much has changed in our lives since 2013. She has another grandson who is 3 that she has never officially met. She has missed the last 4 1/2 years of my sons life and that of my step-daughters. She has NO idea what is going on in our lives. She chose a man over her family and friends.
She called me about a month ago. Upset. Crying. Wanting me to lend a shoulder for her to cry on. Her and the boyfriend have broken up and she wants to pick up where we left off 4 1/2 years ago. It's not that easy. I am not giving in. It would cause tension in my marriage. My kids would be highly confused. My nephew wouldn't have a clue who she is. My sister and I have each other. We are all we have left out of our immediate family. We can't change the past. Our dad isn't coming back and sadly our mom isn't going to change. I am not sorry for the life she chose over her family. I can't make her change her ways and I have learned the hard way she doesn't want to change who she truly is. The post below was written by someone else and it is about a relationship between a father and kids. Most people don't realize that moms can be shitty too. Dads get bad wraps. They aren't always the bad guys in the parenting world. I ran across this on social media and wanted to share it because if you change the word dad to mom and the hes to shes its like this was written about my mom.....
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You are going to be more than ok. Whether it was because of an addiction, constant excuses for not being there, an irresistible urge to put you down, an indifference or inability to give and receive love, his past, pride, selfishness, the fact that he's weak or scared, or just the heartbreak of dealing with a man who's broken, you did the hardest break-up that your heart will ever have to endure. You need to understand how brave you are.
He is your creator but it was his job to be much more than that. There should have been a consistent effort on his part-to nurture and shape you. To influence you with his strength, love and kindness. It was his job to teach you that people don't leave when things get hard. That people fight for what's worth fighting for. It was his job to be the one person in the world who would never hurt you.
A father should teach you how to not be afraid, to be open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. A father should make you feel that everything will be ok.
You didn't give up--you realized you can't change people. You've reached your breaking point and said, "screw him and all his darkness." You learned how easy it is to get broken in the effort to keep a relationship with a toxic person. You have learned that no, it is not your job. And no, it is not your fault. As the child it is the father's job to always be there for you!
You need to understand that he should have done his best to make you proud. To be there for your first heartbreak and your last. To help you get back up. To know you: who you love, what makes you happy, what makes you move, what your dreams and passions are. To know all the depths of you-and you of him.
Your father created you, but he can never destroy you. You have realized that loving yourself means being strong enough to cut ties with him, and embracing all the gifts you have in your life.
I know that a toxic father’s power can be haunting – comfortable in its home in your bones. I know you can feel it every time you get close to someone. You’re incredibly uncomfortable letting them see your most vulnerable parts. No matter how much you love someone, you guard your heart as a way to protect yourself from any potential pain you might face. But none of that will spill out very easily. You don’t want anyone’s pity.
WOW!
I have read that 15+ times since I ran across it this morning and I totally feel this was secretly written about me and my mom. Parents unfortunately can be toxic. Sometimes the kids grow up and don't break that chain. I feel I have. I still have moments where my mom comes out of my mouth or I snap and have "her look" on my face. I mean, she's my mom, its bound to happen. I also have days where my dad comes out of my mouth or I snap and deal with a situation the way my dad would have. But at the end of each and every single day I am me. I deal with things the way I deal with them. I say things in different situations or make my own facial expressions. I am who I am. I am my parents daughter. Not just my moms daughter. Not just my dads daughter. My parents daughter. I have had to grow up without them by my side. I have been faced with some scary and stressful situations where I wish I could have picked up a phone to call MY parents. I have had numerous fun, adventurous, joyful moments as well that I wish I could share with them. But my life was altered and I am unable to do that. I do have some great friends that have become family and I am able to call them when I need them. For the not so great moments and all of the great times as well.
Walking away from our relationship has opened my eyes to not let anyone treat me like I am second best. Whether they are a family member, a lifelong friend or someone I met last week, I don't need nor have time for toxic anyone! And I love what the article said as well....You don't want anyone's pity.
After my dads death my mom and I went our separate ways. We didn't speak for 7 years. I met my now husband, we got pregnant. I thought after 7 years she would have changed. So I picked up a relationship with her that went on for 6 years. I was pregnant at 29 years old with my first son. He was a planned pregnancy. I had some issues getting pregnant. It was scary. I had doubts I wouldn't get to be a mom. So it was stressful. She treated me like I was a 15 year old that got pregnant and was ruining my life. Made it out to be that having kids was going to ruin my life. I was 29!
So I have my son. He's 8 now. Healthy kid. Loves life. I love being his mom. Could NOT imagine my life without him. Everyone that has met him loves the tar out of that boy.
My mom met a man in 2010. She turned her life long friends away over this man. Turned her back, AGAIN, on her daughters. She became an alcoholic after my dads death, although we are learning over the years she was a closet drinker when he was alive. So this wasn't something new. Her new relationship came after another death of her 3rd husband, whom she married 5 months after my dad passed. Basically leaving my sister (who was a senior in high school at the time) home alone and to fend for herself. My sister and I tried to intervene in 2013 by meeting with her at a public, neutral place to talk to her about her drinking and the effects it was having on our relationship and our families. I couldn't rely on her if mine and my husbands schedule kept us at work longer to pick up our kids from school or the sitters cause she would start drinking at 10am. Or she didn't want to tell the boyfriend she had to help her daughters out. We planned an intervention of sorts and wanted to help her. Her health then was going down hill. We wanted to see her do good in life. We wanted a mom. My sister had just found out she was pregnant so she was wanting grandma for her son. We wanted some kind of normalcy. We didn't set out to attack her. We spent about a month researching how to approach an addict or alcoholic family member to offer help. She became defensive and wouldn't listen to a word we had to say. Had no emotions as to how this was affecting her kids and their families. So she walked out of the coffee shop and my sister and I talked. Not out of anger, but I simply said I was done. I no longer had room for her in my life. My plate was full and I had no room for the toxic BS she brought to the table. I had to walk away from a parent/daughter relationship and it was then I realized I am WAY stronger than I thought I was. My son was barely 4 at that time. My sister was pregnant. So much has changed in our lives since 2013. She has another grandson who is 3 that she has never officially met. She has missed the last 4 1/2 years of my sons life and that of my step-daughters. She has NO idea what is going on in our lives. She chose a man over her family and friends.
She called me about a month ago. Upset. Crying. Wanting me to lend a shoulder for her to cry on. Her and the boyfriend have broken up and she wants to pick up where we left off 4 1/2 years ago. It's not that easy. I am not giving in. It would cause tension in my marriage. My kids would be highly confused. My nephew wouldn't have a clue who she is. My sister and I have each other. We are all we have left out of our immediate family. We can't change the past. Our dad isn't coming back and sadly our mom isn't going to change. I am not sorry for the life she chose over her family. I can't make her change her ways and I have learned the hard way she doesn't want to change who she truly is. The post below was written by someone else and it is about a relationship between a father and kids. Most people don't realize that moms can be shitty too. Dads get bad wraps. They aren't always the bad guys in the parenting world. I ran across this on social media and wanted to share it because if you change the word dad to mom and the hes to shes its like this was written about my mom.....
**********************************************************************************
You are going to be more than ok. Whether it was because of an addiction, constant excuses for not being there, an irresistible urge to put you down, an indifference or inability to give and receive love, his past, pride, selfishness, the fact that he's weak or scared, or just the heartbreak of dealing with a man who's broken, you did the hardest break-up that your heart will ever have to endure. You need to understand how brave you are.
He is your creator but it was his job to be much more than that. There should have been a consistent effort on his part-to nurture and shape you. To influence you with his strength, love and kindness. It was his job to teach you that people don't leave when things get hard. That people fight for what's worth fighting for. It was his job to be the one person in the world who would never hurt you.
A father should teach you how to not be afraid, to be open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. A father should make you feel that everything will be ok.
You didn't give up--you realized you can't change people. You've reached your breaking point and said, "screw him and all his darkness." You learned how easy it is to get broken in the effort to keep a relationship with a toxic person. You have learned that no, it is not your job. And no, it is not your fault. As the child it is the father's job to always be there for you!
You need to understand that he should have done his best to make you proud. To be there for your first heartbreak and your last. To help you get back up. To know you: who you love, what makes you happy, what makes you move, what your dreams and passions are. To know all the depths of you-and you of him.
Your father created you, but he can never destroy you. You have realized that loving yourself means being strong enough to cut ties with him, and embracing all the gifts you have in your life.
I know that a toxic father’s power can be haunting – comfortable in its home in your bones. I know you can feel it every time you get close to someone. You’re incredibly uncomfortable letting them see your most vulnerable parts. No matter how much you love someone, you guard your heart as a way to protect yourself from any potential pain you might face. But none of that will spill out very easily. You don’t want anyone’s pity.
Your big, brave heart let go of the only man you truly ever needed when you were not done needing him. Because you know you are worth so much more than dealing with constant disappointments. You deserve so much credit that you definitely do not get enough of.
By letting go, by breaking up with your toxic father, you are fully opening yourself up to your ability to love others. Without the toxicity, there is nothing stopping you to be fearless, embrace life, and embrace yourself. Let yourself be with people who support and make you feel safe – who are worthy of your effort and love. And don’t ever be frustrated if you still love him, just be sure to love him from afar.
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By letting go, by breaking up with your toxic father, you are fully opening yourself up to your ability to love others. Without the toxicity, there is nothing stopping you to be fearless, embrace life, and embrace yourself. Let yourself be with people who support and make you feel safe – who are worthy of your effort and love. And don’t ever be frustrated if you still love him, just be sure to love him from afar.
***********************************************************************************
WOW!
I have read that 15+ times since I ran across it this morning and I totally feel this was secretly written about me and my mom. Parents unfortunately can be toxic. Sometimes the kids grow up and don't break that chain. I feel I have. I still have moments where my mom comes out of my mouth or I snap and have "her look" on my face. I mean, she's my mom, its bound to happen. I also have days where my dad comes out of my mouth or I snap and deal with a situation the way my dad would have. But at the end of each and every single day I am me. I deal with things the way I deal with them. I say things in different situations or make my own facial expressions. I am who I am. I am my parents daughter. Not just my moms daughter. Not just my dads daughter. My parents daughter. I have had to grow up without them by my side. I have been faced with some scary and stressful situations where I wish I could have picked up a phone to call MY parents. I have had numerous fun, adventurous, joyful moments as well that I wish I could share with them. But my life was altered and I am unable to do that. I do have some great friends that have become family and I am able to call them when I need them. For the not so great moments and all of the great times as well.
Walking away from our relationship has opened my eyes to not let anyone treat me like I am second best. Whether they are a family member, a lifelong friend or someone I met last week, I don't need nor have time for toxic anyone! And I love what the article said as well....You don't want anyone's pity.
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