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My least favorite S word

 
I need to print this and hang it on every wall in my house.
I CAN do anything my heart desires, but I CAN NOT, however, do everything. 
I try to get it all done in one day. I won't let people help me. I feel overwhelmed. Then the process starts all over again the next day. It's a vicious cycle.
 
Stress is an ugly word and a word that is thrown around so loosely here lately. 13 year olds that talk about being stressed out on social media make me laugh. I mean, they have NO IDEA what the hell stress is.
I have even stopped watching the news at home to avoid stress and questions the kids have that I am not ready to answer. There is seriously nothing good going on in the world. If there is, it isn't being talked about.
 
I have become so consumed with being super-mom, super-wife, super-woman that I have forgotten who I actually am in the process. My husband, my poor husband. He works hard. Harder than most men I know who "work hard". He's gone 14-21 days out of the month and by the time he is home it's time for him to leave again. It's me and the kids. I do it all. And when it doesn't all get done in one day I lose my shit. I don't like losing my shit. I am done losing my shit. Who care if its not all done?? I mean seriously!! WHO CARES??!
The bills are paid. The fridge and pantry are full. The kids are VERY and I mean VERY well taken care of. They have it better than Josh and I ever did.
 
 
So why am I so stressed to the point that it landed me in the hospital earlier this month?
 Why was my chest tight and why was I short of breath?
Why was my blood pressure at the highest it's ever been?
STRESS!
I thought I had it all under control. I didn't think I was stressed out.
I have been stressed out for a few years now, its finally catching up with me and its going to take a toll on my health.
Well. I won't let it. I need me. My husband needs me. My kids need me. End of story.
 
We, as the human race, are stressed. We, as moms, are stressed. It just affects everyone differently. Some people can just brush life off and move on. Some of us want answers now! We want solutions now! We want things done a certain way and done right now!
So before you think you are more stressed than I am, you probably are. I'm not here to say blog about me having it worse than the next person. We are all stressed!
We all want to seem like we have it all together. We all want to end the day and everything be done and wake up and start fresh the next morning.
Then why did I end up in the hospital? Why did I have moments after I was discharged that I found myself asking "am I failing at life and being a wife and being a mom"? Because I am extremely hard on my self.
 OMG so hard.
I beat myself up at least 15 times a day if something isn't running smoothly in fear my kids will see me fail.
I am not sure when I became like this. I can rack my brain all day on when it all started, but that wont do me any good. I can't change the past. I just wished it didn't happen.
I never used to be like this.
OVERWHELMED!
So overwhelmed. Its not even a funny joke anymore.
 
I joke about the amount of wine I need to "make it thru the day". Its a joke. I'm not an alcoholic, its just a funny I use to somewhat calm my nerves. I guess. I don't know.
 
My kids handled the night pretty well when they had to be in charge of getting mom to the ER. My 15 year old drove and took charge and really amazed me at how she handled the situation. She was a nervous wreck, but kept her cool so the other 2 would stay calm. Nothing is supposed to happen to their mom...... Or so they say :)
Dad was at work and working nights, so she kept in touch with him and would keep him posted of what was going on.
The hospital staff was amazing at keeping the kids distracted while I was having x-rays and an EKG. Everything turned out to be ok. But, what if next time things weren't ok? And as much as I know now that stressing about a what if isn't doing a bit of good, I cant help to think about it. As a mom who is supposed to have it all together, I cant help but think about it.
I need me. My husband needs me. My kids need me.
I am learning to breath and to let go. It has helped. My kids are kicking ass at helping me let go and just breath and live in the moment. We don't need a spotless kitchen every night. The towels can be folded later. Right now I need to learn to let go of anything and everything out of my control.
 
BREATH!
 
HAPPY MARCH!!
I am off to breath and laugh and love my silly crazy life that I was slowly taking for granted.
 
 
 
 
 
 

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