When I started losing my hair, of course I was certain it would grow back. It didn't. From April 2012 to November 2016 I never went out in public without a hat on. I think I wore a wig 3 different times and didn't like it.
So many times people would approach me asking what cancer I had. If I was in remission. They would look at me and treat me as if I was sick, contagious and/or dying. When I would tell them about Alopecia and how it was a sudden onset, they would either feel really sorry for me or act as if something was terribly wrong. I mean--its hair! Whats wrong with someone if they lost AND cant regrow hair, right?
After giving up on Dr's, I decided to get a tattoo. On my head. Hats are hot and annoying. I live in a part of the country that is flat and 50mph winds are considered a light breeze. So imagine dealing with holding a hat on your head as you carry in groceries or hold your sons hand. It got highly annoying. So I wanted to do away with hats and stop giving strangers the indication I have cancer. (not really. that's not why. F*** what people think!)
October 30, 2016 was my first session with my tattoo artist. I knew that day this tattoo was going to make me feel like my old self again. 4-5 sessions later my tattoo was complete (more pics to come, I have a wonderful friend, who is also a photographer, that has offered to take a few pics of the new me)
Since I have been hat free it has brought on a whole new set of comments. Of course no one has ask if I have cancer. I don't get looks of sympathy from people or people not wanting to talk to me because they think I'm sick or contagious. Or dying.
I didn't do this for anyone but me. I didn't do this to prove anything to anyone. Until a woman or a man walks in my shoes and has felt every emotion that comes along with getting Alopecia, then they don't have a right to judge me and what I do.
* I'm not going to "hell" because I marked my body.
* I'm not a "bad mom" cause I have a tattoo. I actually have 5 more that you have failed to see before you judged what kind of mom I am.
* I'm not all of a sudden a "bad-ass" because I have a head tattoo. I was a bad-ass waaaaaay before any tattoo!
I've had women of all ages high five me or yell from across a store or restaurant on how they love my "new hair". Of course everyone ask if it hurt. I would be lying if I said no. Of course it didn't feel good! I had a needle cutting open my scalp! He put a silencer on the gun, but that didn't keep my head from rattling! I have a very high tolerance for pain. I actually dozed off in the middle of my second session, so....I guess to me it only hurt a little bit.
I had a lady chase me down at Target to take a picture of my tattoo. She said..."I'm gonna do this!!" I said..."ummmm you have hair, I lost all my hair due to Alopecia." she replied..."I'm still going to do it! It looks bad-ass and I would seriously save a shitton of money! Plus the wind... omgawd!"
Yea. There is one good thing about my head tattoo. The wind cant mess it up!
I've had big tough biker guys that have a little something on their shaved heads ask:
how many times you pass out? 0
how many times you throw up? 0
how many times you cry? 0
how many times you cuss the artist? 0
(I only said maybe 2 cuss words and they weren't directed at the artist by any means)
So after learning that a lot of men out there with their little head tats couldn't handle it, they too say i am a bad-ass. Don't hate me cause my balls are bigger than yours :)
There was a light at the end of the tunnel for me. I couldn't (or...refused actually) ride amusement park rides with Josh or the kids cause my hat would fall off. I floated around the pool all summer with a hat on. I mean I got stares all the time with a hat, could you imagine the stares I would get just walking around bald? no? of course not....this hasn't happened to you.
I miss roller coasters. I miss jumping into the pool. I miss putting my head under water, I was tired of hiding under a hat.
Only a few people have followed my journey and have understood me when I was pissed off, sad, mad, angry about losing my hair and not ever getting answers as to why. Or the fact there is no cure.
To those select few -- I am so grateful for you! Thank you for understanding all of my different moods and emotions and not taking any of them personally, but helping me accept it!(and bringing wine)
HUGE and I mean HUGE shout out to my husband! Seriously! This man has literally gone to bat for me when I'm sure any other man would have looked for any other reasons to leave.
I have taken a lot out on him. I vented. a lot! I cried. a lot! I got mad! a lot. He would still kiss my forehead or the top of my head and tell my I was still beautiful.
SWOOON! I would fall in love with him all over again! And also a million props to him for sticking up for me when these Dr's would try to diagnose me with depression or bi-polar disorder "because you lost your hair" or "this is why you lost your hair" ??? huh???
I became a stay at home mom in January 2012, not because I was losing my hair, but because I had the opportunity to. So during all this I hadn't worked. I got a part time job in November 2015. When I recently told my boss what I wanted to do, he completely understood and was ok with it. Even though I am in the public eye, they all understood.
My kids still think I am the coolest mom EVER! (cause...hellooo..I am!)
My tattoo artist was most awesome for taking on this challenge, scheduling me on his days off or coming in before he opened shop and for understanding my situation as well.
My friends (my REAL friends) still think I am a bad-ass and never once made me feel like I wasn't me. Even when I didn't feel like me.
Here's to taking on a new look for the new year.
I'm riding the roller coasters!
I'm diving in to the pool!!
Happy 2017 and Happy Wednesday!
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